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Warning: These jokes are jokes, and therefore can usually be considered offensive to someone. But not you, you know the value of a little humor in your life so read on, and laugh, it's good for you... james_moody@yahoo.com


True accident report	True Lunar Story	True Airline Story	Relationship Scorecard	Headaches	Year 2000	Report Card
Just Cooperate	Worth the Wages Paid	Southerners	Non Technically Inclined	Two Doctors	Clinton	Bill Gates
Newlyweds	Enlistment	Pearly Gates	Penquin	Bungee Jumper	Trees	Lisping Dwarf
Pinnochio

Accident Report

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' compensation Board. Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'Poor Planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, Minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope....

A True Lunar Story

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and mission control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 i.n Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer When he was a kid, he was playing baseball. with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs.Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon

A True Airline Story

An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of Gay, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat nearby. Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped." Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebie" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane." Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their flights.

RELATIONSHIP SCORECARD"

Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take world of relationships? Here's your scorecard from the Men's Journal of Health.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.Do something she likes & you get points.Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted.You don't get any points for doing something she expects--sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car: +1

You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the

nearest gas station: -1

You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb: +1

You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away: -1

You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish: +1

You leave dishes in the sink: -1

You leave them under the bed: -5

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5

But return with beer: -5

You leave the toilet seat up: -1

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty: 0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1

When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom: -2

You make the bed: +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5

You pummel it with a six iron: +10

It's her father: -10 >

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party: 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking

buddy: -2

Named Tiffany: -4

Tiffany is a dancer: -6

Tiffany has implants: -8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly: +1

When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on

the rump: -5

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think

she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you": +1

When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you

say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed": -6

That woman is her sister: -90

You have one drink, and that's it: 0

You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle: -2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted: -18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

You unclog a stopped-up toilet: +6

You clean up cat, dog or human vomit: +7

You get rid of a dead rodent: +8

You remove the collie from the thresher: +12

You take her mother to see Cats: +16 >

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together: +3

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car: +4

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar:-2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it: +3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional: 0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk: +3

Most of it chips and beer: -6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den: +15

Or refinishing the floors: +16

Or rewiring the basement: +17

Or adding a second floor: +18

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket: -6

And you're tickled pink about it: -15

You visit her parents: +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3

And the television is off: -6

You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear: -6

And you didn't even go to college: -10

And it's not your underwear: -15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner: 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1

Okay, it is a sports bar: -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player: +3

You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing: +4

And you stink: +2

And you're not half bad: +5

You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much

applause: -2

You give her a gift: 0

You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10

You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1

You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2

You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10

With her credit card: -30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely: -10

You forget your anniversary: -20

You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal: -5

And the pal is happily married: -4

Or frighteningly single: -7

And he drives a Trans Am: -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED): -15

You have a few beers: -9

And miss curfew by an hour: -12

You get home at 3 am: -20

You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30

And not wearing any pants: -40

Is that a tattoo???:-200

Her Night Out

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends: +5

She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home late: +10

You wait up: +15

She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed: +20

She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before

she pukes in the bathroom: +25

Which you clean up: +35

A Night At Home

You watch TV together: 0

You rent a movie: +1

You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY: +3

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout: +5

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep: -1

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool: -2

A Night Out

You take her to a movie: +2

You take her to a movie she likes: +4

You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon): +6

You take her to a movie you like: -2

It's called DeathCop 3: -7

Which features cyborgs having sex: -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs: -15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected: 0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it: +5

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself: +10

And she contracts Lyme disease: -25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly: -15

You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10

You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts: -5

Grooming

You trim your nails: +5

You trim your nails in the living room: -10

You trim your nails and flick them at the cat: -15

You shave on the weekends: +2

You don't shave on the weekends: -4

You don't bathe on the weekends either: -8

But then, neither does she: +8

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical: -5

Something she can't use: -10

Such as a motorized model airplane: -20

And your kid needs braces: -30

In fact, all four of the kids need braces: -120

Driving

You lose the directions on a trip: -4

You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal: -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?": -5

(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)

You hesitate in responding: -10

You reply, "Where?": -25

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV: +10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

Headaches

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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