More Clinton Humor
Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding,
yet rewarding program? Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene
of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering
phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ...Getting
involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
---M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours,
hot debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to
the White House at president@whitehouse.gov
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call
soon.
More Clinton Humor
Quayle, Gingrich and Clinton are traveling together in the midwest.
A tornado comes along and wisks them away to Oz. Once they realize where
they are:
Quayle says "I am going to ask the Wizard for a brain"
Gingrich says "I am going to ask for a heart"
Clinton says "Where's Dorothy?"
________________________________________Signature
_______________________________________ Date
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United
States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into
the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't
take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck
my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing
straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a
date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine
because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only
action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge
the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain
that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual....er...I mean BASIC TRAINING, I will
attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing
less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will
walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will
make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for
a smarter, better looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times
I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look
of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive
to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day
at 1300 to report back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo
no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and
will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will
brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will
be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God.
________________________________________Signature
_______________________________________ Date
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of
my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force
was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim... why
not?" I promise to wear clothing what went out of style in 1976 and to
have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand
that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for
Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language
than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead,
cover, and head" when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will
take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and ensignia,
and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the
other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I
am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930
hrs. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can
stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill
a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice
per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required
to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found
"colleagues." So help me Neptune.
________________________________________Signature
_______________________________________ Date
I, state name here, swear...uhhh...high-and-tight...
Thumb Print ------------------ Date (Y/N)
Index
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in
Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next!
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he
should never have gotten down there; send him back up here!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."
God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Penquin
A penguin is taking a road trip when his car suddenly breaks
down. Luckily for him, he finds himself just down the street
from a mechanic.
So, he pushes his car to the shop and asks the mechanic to
take a look. The mechanic tells him that it will probably take
a
little while to find the problem and asks him to come back in
an
hour.
The penguin goes over to the supermarket and buys some frozen
fish and some vanilla ice cream for lunch and spends the rest
of
the hour hanging out in the frozen foods section. After the hour
is up, he waddles back over to the mechanic's shop. Seeing
him
coming, the mechanic walks over, and wiping his hands on a rag,
says, "Looks like you've blown a seal." The penguin blushes,
wipes his beak with his flipper and says, "No, it's just vanilla
ice cream."
Index
Bungee Jumper
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea,
so the two
pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic
cord,
insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they
are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more
and more
people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he
comes back
up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again,
bounces
and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second
guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes
back pretty
messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What
happened?
Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a
pinata?
Index
Trees
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins
to grow
between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son
of a beech or
a son of a birch?" The other says he cannot tell. Just
then a
woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker,
you
are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son
of a beech or a son
of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That,
my friends,
is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Index
Lisping Dwarf
A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show
to buy a mare. He
wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare
inside a small
enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I
have a look at
your horth?"
"Sure", says the farmer,"come on in."
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops,
says to the
farmer "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth."
The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show
him the
mare's eyes.
"Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith
horth, I
think I want to buy thith horth."
Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn
asking the
farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and
exclaiming,
"Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like
thith horth, I
think I want to buy thith horth."
The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage
because the
dwarf is quite heavy.
Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her
twat. her twat,
I want to see her twat!"
The farmer, infuriated, pick up the dwarf and drives him
head first
into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's
little legs kicking
and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes.
He then
comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament,
"SCHLOOOOP!"
The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I better wephrase
that... I'd like to thee her gallop!"